What Now?

Almost a year ago, in June 2009, I was diagnosed with cancer. Finally, this Wednesday, I reached the end of my journey. One year of my life wasted in treatment for a 2.5 cm tumor. I am now cancer free according to my doctors, but the side effects and the emotional effects will be with me for the rest of my life.

I don't think you can go through this type of thing without it changing you. It changes you physically, mentally, emotionally... And after it's all done you feel a little lost and sentimental. The best way I can describe the feeling you have is to compare it to moving to a nicer home. You put that last box in the car and then go back in for that final look. You know you are moving on to bigger and better things, yet you stare into the empty room and all the memories of it run through your head like a flashback sequence in movie. You see the tears, the love, the events of the years spent there. It's the same for me.

I look back and I see all the wonderful women I have met over this last year at chemo, at radiation. I see the people who were supportive, like my chemo angels, the nurses, the doctors. I see long days in bed after chemo treatments, my husband and my daughter eating on the bed with me. I see the days after surgery, my sister laying on the bed watching tv with me. All the memories of the last year.

And as I walked out of treatment Wednesday, I felt sort of lost. After having an entire year planned for you... with all the appointments and treatments and limitations... I'm suddenly free. I suddenly have more time than I know what to do with and I really don't have a plan. I don't think I can just go back to my old "norm", because I'm not the same person. Cancer changes you. I guess I have to start searching for my new norm now. I don't know what it will be, but I hope to make it more meaningful than my old "norm".